“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Hot hot hot 🥵
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer