This took me a few seconds.. 😅
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my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left