*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.