This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Bird of peace?
Bird of war?
Bird of true love?
..wait for it…
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.