This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Self-cleaning conscience
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?