@amhaunted

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

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@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@daemonic3

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

@RandiLawson

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

@Mobute

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

@Reverend_Scott

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

@bridger_w

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

@TitaniumToplass

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

@robdelaney

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

@decentbirthday

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either