This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Monday Lisa
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?