This trial is so absurd 😭
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
courtroom exchange of the day
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to