This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
December birthdays be like…
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her