this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.