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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.