This tweet lives in my head rent free.
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.