This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
The dark side of Canada
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet