This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Hit me in the face with a bird
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.