“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
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[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Google Pay be like:
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I think I’ll stand
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.