This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.