This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Blew my mind.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink