This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
one last job
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.