This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
🛁
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me