@OhNoSheTwitnt

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

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@DammitLarry1

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@krisv_723

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

@daemonic3

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

@wildethingy

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

@aprilinkc

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

@LeonEarlgrey

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.