@DammitLarry1 The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
@OhNoSheTwitnt This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
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@DammitLarry1 
@NintenDom I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
@krisv_723 *annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
@daemonic3 “Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
@wildethingy I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
@aprilinkc The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
@LeonEarlgrey Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
@Browtweaten angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
@PinkCamoTO Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
@Lisa_Laughs_ He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.