@dulcetry
@david8hughes Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You Might Also Like
@david8hughes 
@RobSprance If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
@ipalatsky I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
@lawyerthoughts First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
@abhorrent_wife Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
@pleatedjeans Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
@velvettusk If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
@StoneAgeRadio13 14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
@mxmclain Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
@scott_towel Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.