This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.


First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.


Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.


Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall


If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.


Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s


Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.