@dulcetry

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

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@david8hughes

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@ipalatsky

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

@lawyerthoughts

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

@abhorrent_wife

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

@pleatedjeans

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

@mxmclain

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

@scott_towel

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.