This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.