This was a bad idea all around
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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
me as a parent
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?