This was the best day of my life
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Ovenable?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.