This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
You Might Also Like
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Great acting.. 😂
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
