This week’s mood.
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name