This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.