This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
My work here is don’t.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.