This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?