This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.