This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’d … I’d rather not.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”