this will hang in the louvre one day
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.