This will never not be funny 😭
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan