This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I have a black belt in leather
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.