This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
ME:Make it enormous
“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
2 stinky teenagers.
Send wine and bail money.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name