This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.