This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
accurate
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Mornin
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*