This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks