This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
what could possibly go wrong?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
War & Peace
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s