You Might Also Like
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.