“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
And that about sums it up.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time