This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
do what now??
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that