This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.