This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
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WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges