This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.