This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
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The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil