This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED