This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country