This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
A wise man once said nothing.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
One venti cheeseburger please.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …