This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Incredible customer service.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.