This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza


The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.


“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”


[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!


My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.


Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”


People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.


Me: *mouths I love you*
M: *blows kiss*
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*