@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

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@oneawkwardmom

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

@hollyberryness

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

@juneohara65

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@JElvisWeinstein

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

@BruceForce

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

@AnnietheNanny1

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

@CVTBaby

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*