[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot