#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Always
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides