#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.