#ThisMakesMeLaugh
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.