Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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